I cannot find my penis.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
