he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he just fucked me for my cheese.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
