it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
