its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.