you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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