i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
