my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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