Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
