the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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