He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
