The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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