U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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