I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
