I love black thongs
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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