Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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