the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i scared a bird with my dick
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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