There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
