Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize