Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
