What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
