would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"