My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right