Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
