I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
