we're chasing vodka with high fives
You can't motorboat a personality
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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