I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you traded sex for a burrito?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
