You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
