Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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