Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just threw up on my dentist
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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