Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
