I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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