You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
