I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
