I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night