My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hell yes lets make some ravioli
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.