it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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