Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
