i think my tv is drunk
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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