If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.