connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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