A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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