You're my little dorito
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
