She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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