There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
