3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
North Korea, Best Korea!
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.