I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.