Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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