Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

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(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/bgl4

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(908): View more from New Jersey

): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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(908)): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing. http://tfl.nu/g33r

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(609): Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us http://tfl.nu/r5ct

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man

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(215): we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man http://tfl.nu/tkk9

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(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

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(502): they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself http://tfl.nu/m9eg

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(817): They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts. http://tfl.nu/tuhd

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(469): Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work. http://tfl.nu/vgtk

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(412): Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/wd4d

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule

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(519): Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule http://tfl.nu/w6uq

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(310): Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away? http://tfl.nu/o5qu

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(209): View more from California

Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something

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(209): Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something http://tfl.nu/htcf

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(954): View more from Florida

and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner

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(954): and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner http://tfl.nu/ab93

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(737): View more from Texas

Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.

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(737): Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner. http://tfl.nu/o0od

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