Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™