after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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