she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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