if i can run in heels then i can drive
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
