i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
