There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Can you bring me the toilet please
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
